爺爺 (yéye)

7 Feb

This is not a light and fluffy blog post.
Read with caution in your heart, it’s about to get personal.

IN the END..

I am a 1.5 generation immigrant. Today I found out that makes me different from my parents who are first generation immigrants that came to Australia to provide a better life for their family and I am different from all five of my siblings that are second generation immigrants who are born in Australia. I am also different to my grandparents, who came to Australia with the help of my parents to have a better life in Australia.

For those who are not immigrants, what does that mean? In fact up until today, I didn’t even really fully understand why it’s even something that’s important to think about myself. So after some thought this is what I believe it has meant to me. Logically, I was born in China and became an Australian citizen before I was 4 and lived a life of a true blu Aussie. Emotionally it meant that I needed to understand and adjust to the cultural differences. It meant that I had to make my parents understand those differences too. It’s easy to learn the language at the age of three and its also natural that my accent is all Australian but what it means is some where down the track, I’d forgotten the importance of communicating with my grandparents.

My yeye (grandfather) passed away this morning. Whilst he had been sick for a while, it also felt like his passing was quite sudden. I will always remember my yeye as a silver foxed man who loved to laugh with me. I have no doubt in my mind that he knows that there is a lot of love in our family.

There is no time for regret. That has already been taken from me. I wished that I knew how to communicate to my yeye a lot better than I did. In some ways, he was almost a stranger to me, and that upsets me the most. As I’m being honest with myself right now, I know how harsh that may sound, after all he is my yeye;  he is my family. I also know that it’s the truth, because as I write this I feel like I have struck something that I have been unconsciously ignorant about. I am the eldest of six siblings, and  I should have been more accountable.

This is the fundamental problem. As a 1.5 generation immigrant, I have forgotten how to communicate with my grandparents, and unfortunately sometimes with my parents as well. What does this mean? It means nothing to my yeye, that is the regret that I will live with. It means that despite how much effort and time it took to be accepted into Australia, unconsciously, I lost my yeye at the same time.

Some may see this as a life lesson, but for me I just needed to be consciously aware of it. At this point in time, I’m not sure what it means for me in the future…

Caz

More pieces to the puzzle

3 Apr

Its been long. Extremely long. Some days at the moment I feel like I am trying to catch up with life or whatever time that I do have, I am using it to enjoy as much of it as possible.

I’m currently professionally in a role that I am extremely thrilled to be in. I feel like everything that I have tried to be and learned to be in my whole life means something. It’s not like I dreamed to be in the role that I am in. It feels more like all those little pieces of the puzzle that I have been holding onto and refusing to let go, all mean something now. And that feeling is fantastic.

A while back I was expressing how worried I was at whether or not this professional opportunity would be given to me. I’m glad it has. The plans that I have for the future now can fall into place as well. That makes me feel stable and content.

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I’m meeting more people who are real. They don’t have second motives or secret agendas. They don’t play silly mind games that mean nothing and they aren’t afraid to share what they know. That to me makes them such worthwhile and wonderful people to have in life. There’s so much to learn, so many ways to see things and opening my eyes to whole range of possibilities. This is what the right people are suppose to be life. And they bring another great piece to my puzzle. I want to know what they know.

In the last few months, I feel like every day I am achieving something, I am learning something fantastic and that I am amazing myself at my abilities and the unending limits. I’m hoping this continues but I’m remembering to enjoy it all as it comes as well. There is more to come, I’m sure of it.

♥ Caz

I want to be fantasticsexyamazing.

11 Nov

I like feeling fantasticsexyamazing.
I love looking fantasticsexyamazing.
I will be fantasticsexyamazing.

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♥ Caz

Even More Amazing

10 Nov

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I don’t care. That’s what I say to myself. But to be perfectly honest, I do care. Just not in the way that you may think. Whatever the reasons, whatever the childish behaviour and whatever self centered feelings you may have, you don’t have any idea about me. And that’s what makes me annoyed. Don’t pretend to act like it bothers me and don’t play the revenge cards as if it affects me. I don’t care.

I don’t like nuisance. The type of life that you lead, I know that you won’t get over it. The hilarious thing is that it doesn’t make my life less full or less glamorous. Shock and behold, you are not a part of my life. I like to get rid of that kind of nuisance because my life is more amazing without it. I actually hope that I never ever have to do anything that may involve you. Even better, I’d rather you just don’t talk to me. I don’t like your type of nuisance.

This is the last time I will even think about caring, because I don’t regret anything. And I don’t want to think about you ever again because your face annoys me.

♥ Caz

Happiness Within

8 Nov

There’s this new thing she is trying. She’s trying to overcome her own personal turmoils and emotions and learn to be more positive and more happy for everything and everyone that is around her.

In the last few years she feels that she has become more hard edged, less sympathetic and unconcerned what people have to say or think about her actions. She just didn’t care because it was her life and her ways.

Its not to say that she is becoming a push over or give up completely all the truth and nonsense that she believes in. It just means that some things are meant to be even if she doesn’t agree whole heartily about it and the universe is not at her command (as much as she tries).

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She just has to remember that happiness comes in all sizes and shapes. That it doesn’t matter what she thinks because as long as people around her are happy and thrilled with life, who is she to argue.

She’s been taking a step back from herself and looking at herself in a different light for a while now. But what’s the point of knowing what she is doing wrong and not doing anything about it. So enough is enough and her life needs more good stuff than the bad stuff.  Life is about being positive, seeing things in a glowing view and treading along life with a fabulous outlook.

And cheers to that!

♥ Caz

Professional Curve Balls

7 Nov

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Lately life has been throwing me professional curve balls. Tomorrow is the day. I’m hoping that it will change things for me and create an awesome new opportunity. (But I don’t want to get my hopes up and be disappointed). At the same time I’m quietly terrified of what I will do if it doesn’t go in my favour.

I’ll know what to fear after tomorrow.

♥ Caz

Mum’s Cupcakes.

8 Aug

It was 9pm last night. I had a major urge to have cake. Not just any cake. My mum’s cake. I wanted it then and there and there was nothing that could be done with it. (This is an on going problem I have with food. I think about it, I want it and I have to have it).

So after a quick call to my mum. (Hi Mum. Recipe Please. Bye Mum. Which I also hoped she would get the hint and suggest to cook some for me. No such luck.) I started baking at 9:30pm. And I waited impatiently for my cupcakes to cook. Which should have only been half a dozen, but I come from a large family, I have been taught to always cook extra. And, yes I know I’m not feeding a large family and its only Handsome Husband and I, I couldn’t help myself. In the end I cooked 6 large ones and 8 mini cupcakes. This morning there was only 6 large ones left… Then four… I’m not sure how many will be left after Handsome Husband has attacked them this afternoon… Hopefully at least one!

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Please note these are not Mum’s Cupcakes. This is just a pretty picture of cake.
 

So comes my reflection time while I was waiting. About how much I really love cakes and desserts. But also how much I miss Mum. I know she’s only 10 minutes away but I miss a house full of her food. Not that in anyway I don’t appreciate the Husband’s cooking because he does a wonderful job. I just miss Mum.

Though while I was living with Mum, with a house of 6 children it was always brewing with food food food, which would explain how my love of food has left me in this attractive food belly and shape. Not that I would actually want it any other way because food is fabulous! Especially if its Mum’s.

As my cupcakes were nearing the end of their oven time I put marshmallow on top – yum! (even more jealous yet?). And I scoffed down four mini cupcakes with warm melted marshmallows while I feed Husband the four others while he was gaming on the Xbox. (Aren’t I a considerate wife? Only some times. Don’t get use to it.)

After all of that it was 10:30pm. Not bad for a novice cook. And I was satisfied enough to go to bed. Now, here’s hoping there’s still at least one left when I get home. Yum yum!

♥ Love Caz